Good-Byes

From an e-mail to two friends days before leaving St. Louis:

Hello my dear A and L,

Okay, one week countdown! It seems so crazy and sometimes, if I think TOO hard about it, it makes me want to cry a little...

Regardless, because of that I really want to make sure that I organize myself well so that I have time to pack, meet with dear friends (like you!), buy a few more things for the voyage (plus figure out this diploma and apostille thing)

Sooo... I was wondering when L got to STL- and when would be the best time/day to grab some coffee or whatever... I do want to make sure I write some sort of farewell card/letter and to do it all with plenty of time and with peace

In the meantime how are you girls doing?!

Peace and Prayers,
Sofia

I can still close my eyes and picture  L and A, of places in St. Louis (or even the U.S.) I know  I would have liked to have seen with them. I still remember the pressure of the "one week countdown", in my mind (and heart) knowing I wasn't quite sure when I would see those things I loved again. I am grateful for trying to rejoice as much as I could those few last months in St. Louis because it forced me to value that much more what was once a routine.  I am grateful today, 7 months later after sending that e-mail, grateful of the richness and growth it has brought, grateful that even if a few years must pass before I can see and touch all that I left, God is blessing each person, making him/her more like His image, or so I pray. And yes, even 7 months later, if I think about it TOO hard I still want to cry a bit...

Being at Peace....

From a recent e-mail to a friend in St. Louis:


"My heart always found some consolation that I just had to make it to Christmas until I could taste the sweet familiarity and warmth of all I had unwillingly left behind. I, wrongfully, looked at my future visit to St. Louis as an oasis where I could renew my hopes and energy to once again feel ready to return to a place where I had no friends, little personal history; a place when most of the time I felt I stumbled day to day alone. In other words, my heart and mind was back in St. Louis even if my body was here in Mexico. Hence, as you can imagine, the possibility of knowing I may have to wait another 6 or 8 months (or longer!) when I thought the "finish" line was just around the corner in 2 months wasn't (isn't) easy and yet, by the grace of God, I'm finding a greater disposition and peace to accept however God wishes to embrace me this Christmas time. Perhaps it's under the roof of my childhood parish, embracing my parents and sister at the midnight Christmas Mass we always attend OR perhaps it's during a fall-like day (it's much warmer here remember) here in Mexico, in the company of either my grandmother (who lives alone), or the Beloved, at parish still new and unfamiliar, but with an invitation to further stretch myself in my belief and conviction (and lived experience!)  that all I need is in Him regardless where (and with whom) I am physically that Christmas day Mass.  Do pray for me as I still stumble with my confidence in this acceptance!

I think this hints a bit with where I am right now in adjustments here. Still homesick, with a heavy heart to return to a place that's still very much home and yet with a greater appreciation as to how "launching" into this has made me ever more confident in my both myself and God who I have constantly sought PRECISELY because I have dismissed (and continue!) the fears and doubts that my strength and essence most strongly arrived from others and their help instead of this most essential communication of a whispering kind between myself and the One who first loved me" 

The last place where I shared a lovely lunch/scones with the above mentioned friend in St. Louis.