Being at Peace....

From a recent e-mail to a friend in St. Louis:


"My heart always found some consolation that I just had to make it to Christmas until I could taste the sweet familiarity and warmth of all I had unwillingly left behind. I, wrongfully, looked at my future visit to St. Louis as an oasis where I could renew my hopes and energy to once again feel ready to return to a place where I had no friends, little personal history; a place when most of the time I felt I stumbled day to day alone. In other words, my heart and mind was back in St. Louis even if my body was here in Mexico. Hence, as you can imagine, the possibility of knowing I may have to wait another 6 or 8 months (or longer!) when I thought the "finish" line was just around the corner in 2 months wasn't (isn't) easy and yet, by the grace of God, I'm finding a greater disposition and peace to accept however God wishes to embrace me this Christmas time. Perhaps it's under the roof of my childhood parish, embracing my parents and sister at the midnight Christmas Mass we always attend OR perhaps it's during a fall-like day (it's much warmer here remember) here in Mexico, in the company of either my grandmother (who lives alone), or the Beloved, at parish still new and unfamiliar, but with an invitation to further stretch myself in my belief and conviction (and lived experience!)  that all I need is in Him regardless where (and with whom) I am physically that Christmas day Mass.  Do pray for me as I still stumble with my confidence in this acceptance!

I think this hints a bit with where I am right now in adjustments here. Still homesick, with a heavy heart to return to a place that's still very much home and yet with a greater appreciation as to how "launching" into this has made me ever more confident in my both myself and God who I have constantly sought PRECISELY because I have dismissed (and continue!) the fears and doubts that my strength and essence most strongly arrived from others and their help instead of this most essential communication of a whispering kind between myself and the One who first loved me" 

The last place where I shared a lovely lunch/scones with the above mentioned friend in St. Louis.