Things Not Hoped For....

It has been a couple of weeks since writing here. It's such a paradox how those two weeks and a half seemed to have gone both so so painfully slowly and also over in a blink of an eye. There were a few posts I started writing but never quite finished, brief recounts of the small blessings encountered over those weeks. Whatever witness those events presented me in the interlude of the past post are still quite valid and still bear its distinguished imprint of God's most mysterious workings in my life. As a friend put it a few days ago, sharing with me a line her spiritual director often tells her:  "I am only a spectator of God's drama between you and Him"... I often feel this blog (and the few numbered readers) is that humble spectator!

Speaking a bit more closely to the title of the post is really an opportunity to speak of the great mystery sometimes life is to me. I can't comprehend it. I can't even start to do so. My return to this city is one of those great great enigmas in my life. I couldn't understand why God wouldn't place the path, the circumstances, to allow me to remain with my parents, to allow for me to be present to my little sister right now in those crazy teenager years and the sometimes not wise ways they seek that independence/identity. I continue to lament she is growing up without me, despite my perhaps fake grandeur as to the depth of my guidance. Regardless this enigma has had a richness, a fruitfulness, in its potential to be a gift to the Beloved. It has been an opportunity to show faithfulness in a most palpable way  which has drawn me to my knees time and time again. It forced me to be brave when, if left to my own attachment of comfort, I never would have done or offered.

Today I reflected ever more deeply on this particular enigma. My dad recently had a meeting with immigration and for over a month I had prayed and hoped fervently for its good outcome. Countless times at Mass or adoration I would confide to Him how much heart longed to see them all again. The immigration situation with my dad was drastically made more complex by a great injustice that has haunted us for nearly a year now. Regardless, many dear folks hoped for the best in this long long awaited meeting... meeting we were waiting for since the beginning of this whole process, some 8 or 9 years. And so my hope, my prayers turned into a frustrated answer where more uncertainty sets in as well as another 3 month wait without any sort of security or deserved outcome. Truth is, today, I can't grasp any of it. After hearing the outcome of the meeting my response to the Beloved in my crucifix was a frustrated tired whisper: "what else do you desire of me? what else?"

For tonight I continue to sit with this question....

Crucifix @ Our Lady Of Victories- my parish.

In Between Lycopodiophyta and Equisetophyta

It's been a much much too long of a break! Again, I don't know who really reads this but despite, I've missed writing here! I have much to write about but right now I can only afford a small 5 minute break, between the two terms listed in the title for an exam in 2 hours, golly how I dislike my Taxonomy course!

I was browsing through an conversation I had nearly two years ago with a dear Dominican friar, now also ordained priest and suddenly all the studying I was doing (or should be doing!) felt it could wait for a bit.


Sadly I don't have much time to give more of a retrospective on it years later but it reminded me a lot of a memory, of a time, that for the me two years ago was much too painful and yet I am impressed at the resilience I express in the e-mail, in the resilience I express amidst the pain. I know most surely that this is all through the grace of God, shown by His love and faithfulness for this undeserving young woman since eternity! More thoughts on this and other things very soon (after this exam! :)) but for now here is the bit:

Written on February 13, 2010

Right now I feel fine. In a sense before there was the facade and it "appeared" that we were just great. We seemed like a pretty happy family unit but we/they were broken a long time ago. It's the change of no longer having that shallow infra-structure and change in routine. The change in whatever image we once portrayed. And there is sadness and pain with that, but I think maybe I long for what I wished it were and not what was. But it's fine because otherwise I wouldn't have this to share with Christ, who knows what this will teach me? I think I still need/want to "mourn" a little bit more because he did just move out Thursday but after that then it's time to start again. It's time to re-build.