A LONG Break!

I think it has been nearly a month since writing here! Goodness time does go by much too quickly sometimes!

This interlude has been filled with many events and I know that I can't touch on each of them simply in one post so as a start here is a quick rundown:

-Continuing of school and enjoying it (for most classes) very very deeply! Maybe a "newbie" excitement to those masters of mine in biological studies BUT I was quite excited for the preparation of nutrient agar (jelly-like substance in Petri dishes) and cultivation of bacterial colonies such as Salmonella and my own bacteria found in the pharynx. I am enjoying lab work more and more which is a great source of comfort and affirmation in this career-pathway!

- Having the unique and blessed opportunity to welcome the Holy Father in my birth nation! To be near and close to those faithful awaiting for and with the Pope.  For 3 days I traveled (with Benedict) in the state of Guanajuato to the 3 different cities for the various events.The conclusion of the trip, attending my first ever Papal Mass, was indeed interesting! More on that to come!

- Attending a mission trip to the state of Hidalgo in the small rural community of Cuatolol was a vivid contrast from being so close to the Holy Father a few days prior. One of the many messages from my time there (which were vast and blessed) was this sense of universality and mission of Christ's tangible historicity.  I saw a similarity between those apostles who were called  to reach every corner of the world  (Matthew 28:18-20) after Christ's resurrection and my own much humbler trip to a somewhat remote town in Mexico after the blessed experience of  hearing the words of  reflection/hope from the Holy Father... again, MUCH more to come!

In the meantime, HAPPY EASTER!  I leave the following pictures from a few of the events:

The beautiful amber glow of candles from the people of Cuatolol during the Easter Vigil  Mass

At "Plaza la Paz" near Benedict's arrival Saturday

A Very Good Day

Although it's past midnight (and a tired college student has her alarm set for 6:30 a.m. ) I truly felt I would be in debt to myself (and God) if I didn't record, in writing, the joys of this day to remember in the future and share with those kind readers who may just stumble upon this space.

Today was good... it was very good. It had a goodness which melted in my mouth with such refined smoothness and depth. It was a taste of the remembrance of moments that emphasize the joy to live, the joy to love, the joy to be present in this pilgrimage. Yes, today was one of those days. There was a graced remembrance of this which made me most jubilant the years of my past high school youth.

Amidst asking for alms-giving (or something quite similar; selling raffle tickets) to finance an upcoming mission trip for Holy Week I encountered elements and opportunities which dearly reminded me of my faith community back in St. Louis. It's very hard to put into words that would appropriately convey somewhat clearly how these most ordinary sights and opportunities brought such strong reaction so instead of trying I'll simply list them! Perhaps sleep will shed some light for a future post... 

1) An absolute failed attempt at our request to sell our raffle tickets at a parish known for its numerous Monday attendees... along with plenty of folks who were quite clearly terrified of anyone asking for money.

2) Seeing Capuchin nuns, outside of the above parish, selling candy and tamales... and a strong contrast of the simple beauty of their habit compared with a very gorgeous young woman who passed by them wearing jeans and tank top in heels.

3) Stumbling into a parish run by the Capuchin family and providentially finding out they had lenten activities for young adults this week.. and their kind parish priest allowing us to make an announcement regarding funding for the mission trip.

4) Meeting a few of these Capuchin seminarians that with their zeal and youth reminded me of the  young men (Jesuit, Dominicans and Diocesan) in St. Louis who so so deeply enriched me with their friendship and care. This most common encounter however brought questions, conflicting thoughts/desires and pains who have most vividly been present with me recently, all of this of course unknown to them or anyone else who would have observed.

5) The surprising generosity of the parish attendees, who smiled and needed of no sort of persuasion (besides my poorly poorly nerve-shaken voice given announcement) to buy the $50-pesos priced ticket (roughly 4.50 USD)... God is good indeed!

6) The joy to have attended Mass (and all the above!) with a young woman whom I know very little but whose companionship reminded of the great joy the Church ought to have thanks to young  souls like her!

Again, why such joy arrived today is really an interesting (perhaps complex) mixture of different elements which intertwined themselves into a mesh of circumstances in my current emotional and spiritual state. 

For tonight, however, I will sleep and leave further reflection for the dawn!

Our Lady of Angels Parish; point 3

A Silent Moment

The "glow" is both from the poor quality of my phone camera and the darkness of the place.

             An older gentleman, the caretaker/sacristan of the parish, nearly one year ago now, told me to feel free to stay as much as I'd like in the parish after Mass, showing me a backdoor to use when he locked the main doors. I used this small freedom tonight after Mass.Folks dissipated fairly quickly and soon I was left in relative darkness, in the hallowed space of this rather large parish. And in my prayer, in my solitude and recounting with the Beloved I was reminded of a younger Sofia who also deeply rejoiced "venturing" into the darkness of a parish while her mother attended commitments in the parish in the late evenings (usually choir practice).  I was reminded of a younger Sofia who would eagerly take her mother's set of keys to the parish, carefully go up the stairs (always half-anxious perhaps "breaking in" the parish wouldn't seem like a brilliant idea to her parish priest), nudge the door open, and sit on the carpet, in front of the tabernacle, in front of a wooden Cross that had been there since the 1950's. A space where only the amber glow of candles distinguished the outline of the door she had entered from. And in that memory I shared with Christ, and in my reality I shared with Christ. In my current pew, in the current "newness" of this darkness, in a much bigger parish space I shared with Christ. In this silent moment I was reminded of a loneliness and longing, a missing, to see my family, to see that parish priest, to see that carpet again... and I asked .."How much longer Lord?"....  yet tonight I thanked God for such longing and missing, accepting how human such pain is and with the image above, going with Him a bit more intimately, with more honesty, into this Lenten season.... a wish (and prayer) for all those who read this blog.

"Do You Know What Sofia Means?"

As I vacantly stared at the courtyard of the parish this morning a small hand tugged at my dress.

"Hey, in what classroom are you in? Are you with the Confirmation kids?",  happily asked a little girl (7 or 8 years old) who I had sat next to a few minutes before in the chapel, place where the kids gathered every Saturday morning for prayer.

Smiling at both the question and her great extroverted approach I answered that I was indeed NOT preparing for Confirmation nor was I really IN a classroom.

"I am actually one of the teachers," I admitted, "with the first communion kids.I just started. I help Emi".

"Oh! I am not in that classroom but you know what I'll ask to change, yes, I'll ask to be changed to be with you!," she blurted with joy, nearly giving me a hug.

"What's your name?", she inquired with equal enthusiasm.

"My name is Sofia", I said.

"Ohhh... that's also MY name. Do you know what Sofia means?", she eagerly asked.

"Haha... yes", I began to answer and before my next word was formed she had joined with me...

"It means wisdom", we declared simultaneously.

Little Sofia continued to rejoice deeply in both the coincidence of our shared names and the actual meaning of it, smiling again and again and then wanting a high five. Her response perplexed my own mind and made me ask myself if her reaction arrived from the beautiful innocence kids hold or a deeper grasp of what "wisdom" was to her. It was a curious thing indeed but at the moment I just continued to respond to her with a smile as she continued to rejoice and giggle for a few more seconds.

I knew the strongest motivation (one I prayed about for a few months) for joining the catechetical team at my parish was born from the realization that I needed to grow "deeper roots" in the place I am now. I needed to give myself wholeheartedly to a task that would be fruitful, a task that would require a fair amount from me intellectually and spiritually and in the end, to no longer look "back" in what I wish it were but realize the beautiful potential and blessing of what I was holding. I needed to quite literally hold and touch the things I loved. I knew God was withholding that actual physical touch of my parents, dear friends and other things that still felt "unsettled" in St. Louis perhaps to draw me that much closer those I am called to love, to caress, to share with here. Little Sofia's most immediate and genuine embrace of my person from the simple few minutes we spent together in the chapel was a beautiful sign of God's most tender and sweet watch of this most stubborn daughter of His.

But really, I've continued to ponder Sofia's question since this morning... Do you know what Sofia means?...and in a more sincere respond I'd say to her, "No my dear, I am not exactly certain but I pray to abide somewhat close to its Greek derivative of "wisdom". Wisdom to know my own hidden distortions of truth and inclinations to reach for those distortions, wisdom to know my own vulnerabilities and pains, wisdom to also recognize the Beloved's most sweet and gentle call of love, Wisdom to have the faith and consistency to keep seeking the above forever"

Sofia the Martyr and her 3 daughters: Faith, Hope and Love. This early martyr is still honored in the Eastern Orthodox Church

Eight Months ....

First of all, happy 2012 to anyone that reads this humble space!

Few quick thoughts on this new year:

I'm learning every day (quite literally), learning through experiences, in joys and sorrows, and many other blessings (hidden ones sometimes!) that I am allowed to be part of in what this human experience is. I am just so blessed to be alive! I am blessed to be aware of this and to have the gift of my youth and intelligence to better, to more fully, more radically, more deeply seek Him and thus be MORE alive, to be more authentic; to be more authentically His beloved.


However this post is about a date: eight months. (Over) Eight months ago God led me to this extraordinary place and quite bluntly, forced me on a plane, nearly kicking and screaming. I was afraid, it wasn't what I wanted one bit, it wasn't what I had hoped for, it wasn't what my heart longed for and I froze, back home, at the simple thought it was my reality. One could put a more political/social story-telling of this event that is neither isolated nor unique. We could speak about distribution of wealth, immigration laws between Mexico and the U.S., about myself and others but whatever was going on in the fear before embarking in this journey was something that once I touched ground slowly unfolded into the place I am now and faded into acceptance.

My point being; this is a journey, a messy one that is most incarnate, most human, with laws and people and longings and real tears, real paralyzing fear and real experiences that shape very very real souls. Searching the internet (and old e-mail archives) I found a story I wrote 2 years ago for a blog that still runs about undocumented youth in New York City. It had probably been two years since I had also seen this page but these words from my past self struck me:

I guess I am one of the millions who anguish about the “what will be”.
Currently a junior in high school I try my best to have the confidence that something WILL happen in 2010 and that I will be one of the lucky few that would benefit right away from the Dream Act because of my age. I think about it every single day, I think about me getting closer to 18 and what that means legally...... Like everyone I am just terrified........I can’t imagine going back and leaving this whole life story behind forever since it is my whole life story.

I can certainly still recognize the fear, the instability that it brought to my own sanity and ability to plan future goals. However, it has been over 8 months and I can honestly say that I could have never imaged where I am now, spiritually and also physically, back then. There is something quite interesting in my fear then, something most natural really, I felt a deep deep ownership of the place I was in. I felt it was mine, I loved (love) it deeply and I figured it was most naturally source of identity and of where I was meant to be. The thought I'd leave it was the thought perhaps I would lose who I was and who I wanted to be. Yes, it has been over 8 months of not seeing my parents and sister, and yes, it's a much much longer wait until I see them again. Yes, it has been a semester of NOT being at the American university I desired. Yes, it has been over 8 months of not having the chance to speak with people, to be fully present to them, as I desired to spend this time in my youth in.Yes it has been over 8 months of actively living a reality 2 years ago I didn't foresee.  But really, the journey, these months, approaching a year now, has been of detachment, a painful one and practical one, and growing confidence in God's goodness and wisdom. I take one step, mile by mile, and I realized that my identity, my joy, my ability to love and be loved and perfecting both being loved and this love, is not attached to a place in particular. It is an image of a pilgrim, who only carries with him his pack, and goes on, purely and most honestly, by the great mercy of God.

North St. Louis- Fall 2009, During a St. Louis Youth Leadership Experience

A Christmas Run-down!

I do lament I wasn't able to post some lovely commemorative post regarding Christmas but before I knew it a few days had already passed! There are far more wise and insightful people that wrote lovely lovely things regarding Christmas (One of my favorite "blog reads" is here: The Strangeness of Christ (by author Ryan Duns SJ ) so I thank God I am blessed enough to read and share it! 


An excerpt from this great blog post is the following:

".....My belief about Jesus, put into its simplest form, is that he is God's Love made flesh, Love that is vulnerable, the Love whose effervescent presence emboldens women and men to risk being the persons they are called to be. I believe that Jesus Christ is the act of God's creation made present in human history. I believe that Jesus is the fruit of Mary's "Yes" to God's friendship, that Jesus is the result of humanity's "Yes" to God's "Yes" to humanity. I believe Jesus is simultaneously the Word and Deed of God written into human history. I believe that the sin of humanity reacted - and continues to react - violently to the presence of this Love in our midst and that we killed him. I believe, finally, that the Resurrection shows us the depths of God's love for us, shows us that God's way is one of restoration and life rather than vengeance and death. I believe that we are, as Christians, called to follow the path of the Risen Christ."


Christmas this year was certainly different. Different to be so far from things I hold so dear, different (and difficult) to not see my parents and embrace them, different to not be at my home parish for Midnight Mass, (despite how terribly messy it is every year! But that's its charm!)! But somewhere along the "different" I found myself with a most familiar silence, a most familiar silence of God's presence and goodness, that was not different at all and how glad I was! There is so much more I could say but I am blessed, and I was blessed to have attended a messy Christmas Day Mass with a classmate from college that lasted about 20 minutes, blessed to have been with folks, family, who hadn't spent Christmas with me in 10 years, blessed that He is with us, blessed I know this and blessed I can have the joy in sharing this.


Anyhow, here's a quick Christmas "run-down" in photographs, from past and recent blessings!


Much more writing to come soon! Merry Christmas!

Christmas 2011- My brother Benedict and I

Christmas 2010

Christmas 2009- Little Ms. Gonzalez

Christmas 2008; My empty home parish after Midnight Mass

Christmas 2006- With the great company of some SJ's!

Silly Face

Recent Skype Snapshot-Little Ms. Gonzalez

The little face of this wondrous creature is the one I shall be missing very very much this holiday season! Sure, ask my parents and they'll easily say that even at 13 she's the reason for many of their headaches but I thank God it's all with boundaries that I pray she'll never pass. She is lively, funny, sarcastic, and a very obvious extrovert. In many ways it's as if my parents got opposite personality types with their two girls... but to me that's the most fun!

Happy (Late) Feast Day of Our Lady of Guadalupe!

I really must apologize for not posting this a day before! I absolutely adore this particular feast day! Probably the favorite feast day of yours truly because it's one filled with such strong memories and despite still growing in my relationship with Mary, this feast day brings a very strong connection culturally and family-wise from many years. ANYHOW, here is a "blast from the past" from past celebrations, mainly in St. Louis or nearby towns in IL. Mary Mother of God, pray for us!

Holy Family Parish (IL)-  2006

My humble but loved home parish in St. Louis (2010)

Our Lady of Victories parish, Mexico, 2011

Good-Byes

From an e-mail to two friends days before leaving St. Louis:

Hello my dear A and L,

Okay, one week countdown! It seems so crazy and sometimes, if I think TOO hard about it, it makes me want to cry a little...

Regardless, because of that I really want to make sure that I organize myself well so that I have time to pack, meet with dear friends (like you!), buy a few more things for the voyage (plus figure out this diploma and apostille thing)

Sooo... I was wondering when L got to STL- and when would be the best time/day to grab some coffee or whatever... I do want to make sure I write some sort of farewell card/letter and to do it all with plenty of time and with peace

In the meantime how are you girls doing?!

Peace and Prayers,
Sofia

I can still close my eyes and picture  L and A, of places in St. Louis (or even the U.S.) I know  I would have liked to have seen with them. I still remember the pressure of the "one week countdown", in my mind (and heart) knowing I wasn't quite sure when I would see those things I loved again. I am grateful for trying to rejoice as much as I could those few last months in St. Louis because it forced me to value that much more what was once a routine.  I am grateful today, 7 months later after sending that e-mail, grateful of the richness and growth it has brought, grateful that even if a few years must pass before I can see and touch all that I left, God is blessing each person, making him/her more like His image, or so I pray. And yes, even 7 months later, if I think about it TOO hard I still want to cry a bit...