Eight Months ....

First of all, happy 2012 to anyone that reads this humble space!

Few quick thoughts on this new year:

I'm learning every day (quite literally), learning through experiences, in joys and sorrows, and many other blessings (hidden ones sometimes!) that I am allowed to be part of in what this human experience is. I am just so blessed to be alive! I am blessed to be aware of this and to have the gift of my youth and intelligence to better, to more fully, more radically, more deeply seek Him and thus be MORE alive, to be more authentic; to be more authentically His beloved.


However this post is about a date: eight months. (Over) Eight months ago God led me to this extraordinary place and quite bluntly, forced me on a plane, nearly kicking and screaming. I was afraid, it wasn't what I wanted one bit, it wasn't what I had hoped for, it wasn't what my heart longed for and I froze, back home, at the simple thought it was my reality. One could put a more political/social story-telling of this event that is neither isolated nor unique. We could speak about distribution of wealth, immigration laws between Mexico and the U.S., about myself and others but whatever was going on in the fear before embarking in this journey was something that once I touched ground slowly unfolded into the place I am now and faded into acceptance.

My point being; this is a journey, a messy one that is most incarnate, most human, with laws and people and longings and real tears, real paralyzing fear and real experiences that shape very very real souls. Searching the internet (and old e-mail archives) I found a story I wrote 2 years ago for a blog that still runs about undocumented youth in New York City. It had probably been two years since I had also seen this page but these words from my past self struck me:

I guess I am one of the millions who anguish about the “what will be”.
Currently a junior in high school I try my best to have the confidence that something WILL happen in 2010 and that I will be one of the lucky few that would benefit right away from the Dream Act because of my age. I think about it every single day, I think about me getting closer to 18 and what that means legally...... Like everyone I am just terrified........I can’t imagine going back and leaving this whole life story behind forever since it is my whole life story.

I can certainly still recognize the fear, the instability that it brought to my own sanity and ability to plan future goals. However, it has been over 8 months and I can honestly say that I could have never imaged where I am now, spiritually and also physically, back then. There is something quite interesting in my fear then, something most natural really, I felt a deep deep ownership of the place I was in. I felt it was mine, I loved (love) it deeply and I figured it was most naturally source of identity and of where I was meant to be. The thought I'd leave it was the thought perhaps I would lose who I was and who I wanted to be. Yes, it has been over 8 months of not seeing my parents and sister, and yes, it's a much much longer wait until I see them again. Yes, it has been a semester of NOT being at the American university I desired. Yes, it has been over 8 months of not having the chance to speak with people, to be fully present to them, as I desired to spend this time in my youth in.Yes it has been over 8 months of actively living a reality 2 years ago I didn't foresee.  But really, the journey, these months, approaching a year now, has been of detachment, a painful one and practical one, and growing confidence in God's goodness and wisdom. I take one step, mile by mile, and I realized that my identity, my joy, my ability to love and be loved and perfecting both being loved and this love, is not attached to a place in particular. It is an image of a pilgrim, who only carries with him his pack, and goes on, purely and most honestly, by the great mercy of God.

North St. Louis- Fall 2009, During a St. Louis Youth Leadership Experience