A Gift

As many folks back at home start one of my favorite holiday celebrations (yes, as a kid moving to the U.S. Thanksgiving was like two Christmas dinners in the same month, who wouldn't LOVE that?!) I feel a daunting sense of the year coming close to an end. Classes this semester haven't been nearly as successful as in the past and I feel the agony that I've failed myself, and that I am losing an imaginary scholarship which surely (in my mind) will no longer be there upon my return. As I grow weary of my stay in Mexico in academic aspects (and a desire to be back, to in my mind really start and stay in the place I'll graduate from and will be the jumping point of the rest of what I'll do in Biology) God showers me most abundantly with good people here and humbles me to see that there's a gorgeous aspect of my person that also blossoms outside of my own frantic tearing down of self in academics. To that I stand with an open arms gesture, yet still in a cautious trust but knowing FULL well that there is something most beautiful that happens in the middle of chaos..always.

And so the gift (the small wooden cross, imprinted with the label "Jerusalem" at the back) was given to me the day after my 20th birthday by a woman who in the past few months has been crazy enough to take on the responsibility and task of joining me in a bit more closely in God's conversation with me and perfecting the WiFi signal so to speak. A Handmaid of Christ King sister's gesture touched me deeply (and the authentic candies from Spain were also such a treat, praise God for pilgrimages and travel!) and I felt that God brought me to such caring and loving place, to such loving and caring people... He has treated most tenderly this "orphan" of His who arrived in Mexico nearing two years ago now and whatever hurt, and bruising may also have occurred in this interlude all is well, all is good, all is Love... 

....As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love.  If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.  (John 15: 9...)

The Source of My (recent) Joy

It's been a while since writing here, school has started, immigration shenanigans have gone down and up, and my mind has been swirling and swirling and anxious for some quiet time of writing! It will come, I've realized that this discipline will be very helpful to me and it's much needed! In the meantime I leave a little snapshoot of the source of my joy as of late! A boy named Diego from the home I've been visiting here the past few Saturdays.. him along with a few other young lads in the home have taken away my heart and they're the few men that I will gladly give such precious thing to!

More to come!

Taming and the Little Prince

Amidst the week and half of rest and recovery I've had at home after a small surgery I had the great gift of finishing up perhaps one of the most well known children's classics.. The Little Prince , adapted by every culture and language it has arrived to as its own. In my particular case I didn't find this little treasure until I was in college and in fact had not heard of it before, despite now being in complete agreement as to why it rose to such fame. For only roughly 70 pages, it not only packs to the reader (many children I am sure) a great story line of a small  strange little boy traveling through different planets but also a great deal more subtle messages that are written in a very clear and clever manner. I found it quite quite the delightful story, and I still debate if  its end is extraordinarily hopeful or quite the opposite.

Perhaps one of the most well known portions in this work is the encounter of the prince with the flowers after  speaking with the fox, as he narrates to the roses about his beloved flower and why precisely it is beloved. I couldn't help but ponder and pray through this small passage:

The little prince went away, to look again at the roses.

"You are not at all like my rose," he said. "As yet you are nothing. No one has tamed you, and you have tamed no one. You are like my fox when I first knew him. He was only a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But I have made him my friend, and now he is unique in all the world."

And the roses were very much embarassed.

"You are beautiful, but you are empty," he went on. "One could not die for you. To be sure, an ordinary passerby would think that my rose looked just like you-- the rose that belongs to me. But in herself alone she is more important than all the hundreds of you other roses: because it is she that I have watered; because it is she that I have put under the glass globe; because it is she that I have sheltered behind the screen; because it is for her that I have killed the caterpillars (except the two or three that we saved to become butterflies); because it is she that I have listened to, when she grumbled, or boasted, or ever sometimes when she said nothing. Because she is my rose..

I am certain one could extrapolate very different meanings from this portion. Each soul is indeed so unique and beautiful because God has "tamed" him/her in such a particular manner as well as other friendships.

Going with the last theme of remembrance of two very different places and standing in the middle of them I was certainly reminded of that. A few days after the last post I heard the very very gracious news my dad had received American residency and a few weeks after that immigration requested information about myself and my sibling. I stand in the interlude of anticipation and reality. Of remembrance of "taming" two very wonderful places and the being torn between the joy of returning to my beloved St. Louis and abandoning this city, who, as the fox experienced with the prince, had realized it built a much stronger bond..

So the little prince tamed the fox. And when the hour of his departure drew near--

"Ah," said the fox, "I shall cry."

"It is your own fault," said the little prince. "I never wished you any sort of harm; but you wanted me to tame you..."

"Yes, that is so," said the fox.

"But now you are going to cry!" said the little prince.

"Yes, that is so," said the fox.

"Then it has done you no good at all!"

"It has done me good," said the fox, "because of the color of the wheat fields." 

It is very true that my time so far in Guadalajara has been relatively short, not yet a year and a half, and it's also true that in this interlude of anticipation and reality I still have some time with it. I've learned to never trust immigration too much, but regardless, as the prince knew, departure is near.. a few months at best and perhaps prematurely (and unlike the prince who seemed more joyful to return to his flower) I've begun to mourn a bit this interlude, despite its mystery. 

In roughly a week school resumes, Molecular Biology and Genetics (and 5 other classes!) promise to keep busy as well as maybe a job teaching 3 children this English language shenanigans, and I fear that the day shall come, in the middle of all of this where I too shall say:

"Ah," said the fox, "I shall cry."

And the fear or sadness is two-fold. The knowledge of the beautiful things I've tamed here but also the worry and sadness of the flower (hinting back at the story) that I've left alone for roughly a year and half. That's a year and half where I have not continued to "tame" that little planet of mine. I worry, like the prince, perhaps the wind has already harmed my flower...or the future harm of a sheep that I am bringing from this new place

"You must keep your promise," said the little prince, softly, as he sat down beside me once more.

"What promise?"

"You know-- a muzzle for my sheep... I am responsible for this flower..."

Before I digress too much I know that despite and with all of this taming, my only peace and joy comes from the joyous faith that I place all these "tamings" with Him. Knowing His graze embraces future, present and past.. and that (I pray) with wisdom and with the same severity in this care and concern as the little prince I can journey to each and every planet (again, alluding to the book) this pilgrimage calls me to!

One Year Anniversary

April 26, 2011

I arrived at the Guadalajara International Airport at 5:30 a.m. that morning, having traveled roughly half of the continental U.S. and over half of Mexico's national territory in the span of those wee hours of April 26th and the tearful night back on April 25th with my parents.

Major events like these remain vividly on my mind. I remember a careful re-sketching of every detail, of the feeble and fragile moments I last spent in person with folks I love dearly.... and I sketched, again and again and again, in fear that if I did not I wouldn't see them all again as quickly or that maybe if I sketched enough, it would seem I was with them again. For the first few months in this extraordinary year, I lived longing for what had been taken away, isolated, trying to return (physically) through this "sketching" of the recent past. 

The journey began something like this (from an e-mail to a friend, on April 26, 2011):

"Dear C,

I got to Guadalajara safely... unfortunately I have to leave right now but I will be sending a longer e-mail as soon as I can (my brother does have wifi at his/our place) but yes, arrival was a little rough... everything is so different C I don't know... with no sleep from the night flight and our short ride (a lot of it slums) all I could do when I got home was just cry but I am sure it will get better

Peace,

Sofia......."

I try to not be too hard on that Sofia. She was 18, scared to death, and left on her own to an empty apartment in a country that not only did she not know, it was also a country she didn't really want. There was a difference in EXPECTING an experience and then to actually be amidst it. I understood through all of it a bit more of what "desert" meant during those first few months:

 A desert in prayer, being taken away from the richness and blessings of a community of faith this young woman had developed and matured amidst, and to find herself separated from any and all of it. And yet without this drastic absence I don't think I would have reached quite as deeply the reassurance and wisdom that at the heart of fear and loneliness and sense of abandonment was God, as He had been always and of course would remain.

 A desert in friendship and family, with my brother's heavy work schedule and extended family who, over the last 10 years I was not with them, had grown accustomed to not seeing each other. I felt a DEEP absence from the warmth and presence my parish's families had given me throughout so many years. Wonderful family friends who, like my parents, had left all in Mexico however knowing God's deepest blessing had been in finding THIS family. Even today, a year later, I feel this pain one of the deepest. 

A desert in strength. With the previous aspects, for the first few months here I felt an exhaustion I had never experienced before. Anxiety that often lead me to slumber instead of looking into my own distorted reality. I could not find the enthusiasm or energy to smile on present experiences never mind the joyful expectation of the future.For the first four months or so, I often asked God why he had lead me to such horrible state when I had trusted so genuinely on this experience before my departure. 

 It was certainly a time where I most remembered these lines from Thomas Merton's No Man is an Island

Is there any greater wretchedness than to taste the dregs of our own insufficiency and misery and hopelessness and to know we are certainly worth nothing at all? Yet is blessed to have reduced to these depths if, in them, we can find God. Until we have reached the bottom of the abyss, there is something for us to choose between all and nothing.

It was certainly a blessed message and time in my own journey with God. He took every external consolation; my family, every deeply blessed spiritual friendship, the contact with wonderful lay people and as well as countless religious to know He was enough and to raise up those tearful eyes to cling most strongly to the One who first loved me.

And so now I stand, a year later, hardly believing such fact. Where is this young pilgrim at this moment?

My first answer would be to say "in awe", in most utter and complete awe of God's most generous heart.

The view from the top of the copula  of a small chapel in the state of Jalisco

I could have never imagined the blessings that for the last few months have begun to blossom in such abundance and deeply graced manner. I am building friendships rich in virtue and trust where I simply stand in awe at the young men and women who cross my path with such beautiful ideals and goals for themselves. I learn so much from them, and I am certain they draw me more profoundly to prayer and love for the Beloved. Many times their family remind me of the warmth of my own family (and those parish families I deeply miss!) who I haven't seen or touched in over a year- despite knowing I am "a big girl", there is still something magical about a home-cooked meal!

 I've also been challenged in maturity SO much and I think that goes naturally with being on my own (granted financially not so much yet). The whole shebang of curious incidents and troubles I've had a sample of, and praise God! It's been a lot of fun, and I have a lot more ownership of what it means (and calls!) to be a young Catholic woman living on her own in the 2nd largest city in Mexico. Questions such as how am I called to serve at this point? How and whom am I called to love at this point? How is God engaging my heart and intellect at this point? These are questions I ask frequently in prayer and through own self-examination. I've certainly gained great consolations in the friendships and ministry ( ah gosh, I think I'll miss my first communion kiddos deeply once mid-June gets here!) God has been so generous to provide (and many blessings that I am only starting its foundations) BUT I try to never forget the desert that to some extent should always be there. The same "desert" that God allowed most radically a year ago into my own life. I also don't forget the persistent hope and desire to return to a city I left a year ago and to re-kindle many friendships there who still continue to be DEEP nourishment despite time and distance. As I mentioned before, my first (and last) answer would be to say "in awe", in most utter and complete awe of God's most generous heart.

I end this little reflection with one of the first e-mails I read after my arrival to Guadalajara, a sweet gesture of love and tenderness from a dear dear friend:

 It's my dear sister Sofia!

I don't know if you've arrived or checked your email yet, but I just wanted you to be greeted by an email reminding you of my prayers, love, and support that go with you to Guadalajara. I hope your travels were free of too much trouble. I'll be on the lookout for at least a brief email letting me know you've arrived safely, and we can, of course, talk/write more extensively whenever you get settled in and have more time. I also wanted to share a brief tidbit about my prayer. Everyday during the octave of Easter, we pray the same antiphons before all of the Psalms at morning and evening prayer, and so every day this week we get to repeat the comforting words "Jesus said: do not be afraid." It's simple, but it's a profound truth - one so important that the words "do not be afraid" are repeated for us 366 times in scripture. (So you can think of it as once for every day of the year, and then once more just for good measure.) Have confidence in His assurance to you and His promise to be with you always.... Peace!

Br. J

And indeed, by the great grace of God, I continue to guard His promise for me in this pilgrimage, one that took a most special "flavor" over a year ago! Indeed a joyful anniversary to remember!

** The video shows a brief celebration of my 16th birthday with my family- appropriate for this "anniversary" celebration of sorts***

All Grown Up!!!

A family friend posted this picture from my little sister's confirmation  (@ the Cathedral Basilica in St. Louis) yesterday and goodness, it is times like these that make my wait to see them all again much too long! I thank God DEEPLY for this little person who I welcomed into my life nearly 14 years ago!

And exactly 6 years ago, on April 2006, here is yours truly, also exactly the same age as little Ms. Gonzalez (we're 6 years apart in age):

Some Time....

From a recent journal entry:

"I take, my Sweet, my Love, some time. Time to realize I am not the center of my world, of my wisdom, of  my identity. I've gone around without any real contemplation, without oxygen for my soul. And it's now, that after such exhaustion, grace, Your grace, brings to me to silence. To contemplate my own worries and frustrations. In a way, to think before any reaffirmation of those thoughts and to think, not with my own frustrated and impatient nature but rather through the humbling experience to let myself take time and know my limitations are Your rightful and loving seat of glory"....

An pre-breakfast photo.. Cuatolol 2012

A LONG Break!

I think it has been nearly a month since writing here! Goodness time does go by much too quickly sometimes!

This interlude has been filled with many events and I know that I can't touch on each of them simply in one post so as a start here is a quick rundown:

-Continuing of school and enjoying it (for most classes) very very deeply! Maybe a "newbie" excitement to those masters of mine in biological studies BUT I was quite excited for the preparation of nutrient agar (jelly-like substance in Petri dishes) and cultivation of bacterial colonies such as Salmonella and my own bacteria found in the pharynx. I am enjoying lab work more and more which is a great source of comfort and affirmation in this career-pathway!

- Having the unique and blessed opportunity to welcome the Holy Father in my birth nation! To be near and close to those faithful awaiting for and with the Pope.  For 3 days I traveled (with Benedict) in the state of Guanajuato to the 3 different cities for the various events.The conclusion of the trip, attending my first ever Papal Mass, was indeed interesting! More on that to come!

- Attending a mission trip to the state of Hidalgo in the small rural community of Cuatolol was a vivid contrast from being so close to the Holy Father a few days prior. One of the many messages from my time there (which were vast and blessed) was this sense of universality and mission of Christ's tangible historicity.  I saw a similarity between those apostles who were called  to reach every corner of the world  (Matthew 28:18-20) after Christ's resurrection and my own much humbler trip to a somewhat remote town in Mexico after the blessed experience of  hearing the words of  reflection/hope from the Holy Father... again, MUCH more to come!

In the meantime, HAPPY EASTER!  I leave the following pictures from a few of the events:

The beautiful amber glow of candles from the people of Cuatolol during the Easter Vigil  Mass

At "Plaza la Paz" near Benedict's arrival Saturday