Impatient and Imperfect Pilgrim

I tend to be impatient. I am impatient with time, with God and I am most impatient with myself. Impatience may be a bittersweet gift of my youth, a gift I often toy with. 

A small vignette of this summer could very well look like a young woman (me) flipping endlessly through her calendar, sitting a bit stiffly and sighing often. The irony? While this woman waits for August to arrive for graduate school, a larger part of her fears it.

Weeks before graduation I anticipated a summer full of science, family and some needed therapeutic work on my anxiety. However, as so painfully evident by this blog, my plans rarely seem to come to full fruition so here I stand trying to be grateful for the mixed bag given to me. 

I have between 10-20 hours weekly as your local barista and cashier. I keep reminding myself, through the great example of my parents' own life worth ethic, that I am deeply blessed for having a job at all. Mind you, your local barista (in training) is still the young woman in that vignette. 

In the greater point of things, I am starting to realize that it is okay to be in the shoes of the scared young woman once more. It is okay to think I am a little nuts to move across the country when just a few years back I was able to reunite with my family. Truman State was only a three hour drive, University of North Carolina is a 2 hour flight.

After The Storm...

It has been a long time since I have written anything via blog world. For those years I'd read back through old posts and thought that God taken away any shred of creative ability. I quite literally felt I could not create anything. The spirit, hope and pursuit I saw in those words, in that woman, was lost. And I mean not dormant nor out for holiday, but dead. How could I have ever believed I could create beauty and reflect truth?

I am starting to be open to the idea that maybe I was wrong. I am starting to slowly come back to believe I am a creator, or at least a co-creator. So here I am. Twenty-four but feeling none the wiser than that perky, enthusiastic and hopeful 20-year old that wrote a few years back. So dear friends, forgive if this gal in her mid-twenties is a tiny more cynical about the world but know she is trying. With God's grace I can re-discover that creative beauty within me and outside of me.

September Poem

On this September afternoon, I ask myself who am I?

Many times in life I felt I have been anxiety; I have been fear and burden.

I have been littleness with a margin that decorates itself with maybe too little dignity.

I have been attacker, I have been inflictor of evil.

I have been wound opener, a graceless speaker.

I have been frigid and cold. I have been a dark storm.

I have been a much too small tower, with a beacon of hope.

I have been tears, both loud and silent. I have been silence in anger and joy.

I have been arrogance humbled by sobering reality in the highest moments of glory.

I have been child seeking for fame, only discovering its ugly face.

I have been isolation, when silence was lacking.

Truth is, I do not know who I have been, or if anything of it has ever been seen. And here I see what the problem is, the seen or unseen, the “has been”, has still been me. I have decorated myself with guilt, just and unjust, dressed in softness of newness beyond, never giving up the futile hope that by attention all will be won. 

Getting Back Into Recording the Journey

It's been nearly five months since my return to the States and it has now become an undeserved commodity to sit at my old room, at my (new) desk in the house that saw and witnessed the range of family ups and downs within high school and middle school, in the town that witnessed most of my childhood. Have you ever felt like you're middle of so much bliss and things longed for that you know the grave abuse not savoring it anymore? In rare occasions I give myself the time to notice my ingratitude and the most selfish attitude of vanity and selfishness I allow myself to easily nest and feed of. How easily do I ask myself,  mainly bitterly, of the pain and brokenness of the world and its affect on my own cross but forget to be utterly repulsed at my direct contribution to it all- and how often is not rhetorical here, every day I do this and perhaps ever more frequently since the return of this young pilgrim.


But this is no woe post of course, but rather a necessary acknowledgement in the records for myself. Blessings experienced in the past 5 months have been sweetly held in my memory and now ever more eager to continue its recordings. A beautiful chapter of my life has been closed and despite my daily ungratefulness God gives me enough sanity (ah, praise for Mercy!) to see what I must do for a holy journeying in the years to follow, even if my will strongly battles with it at the moment.

The Desert

I've been on the border city of Cuidad Juarez, a few meters (or an inch like in the above picture) from El Paso, TX for about 3 days. The quality of my phone camera is really VERY poor so I was not able to capture in an image the painfully DEEP and stinging contrast between the two cities meters away from each other. Both cities lie in a desert and yet Cuidad Juarez is the only one that shows this for when I looked over the fence to glance at el Paso all I could see the very characteristic American highways, big trucks, huge hospitals, hotels and the whole infrastructure rising above its neighbor, a city filled with dust, graffiti and slums (the bordering part of Cuidad Juarez is the oldest part of the city, and hence in worst conditions than other places, for example, the U.S. consulate near my hotel) where one wonders if for its residents in Juarez (or likewise in El Paso) do not wonder how this can be, and silently feel some sort of desperation or remorse. For myself I couldn't help but wonder how I could have grown up in Juarez near its slums, WATCHING with my own eyes a life and place SO different from mine and know for whatever reason I was born a few meters south of a city that I could see but never enjoy. I still can't fully grasp the image I saw a few hours ago I must confess. No, my God, I still cannot grasp why in the above picture you'll find pieces of trash, stray dogs and houses in the desert in Juarez while El Paso you see Border Security vans protecting with guns and a fence anything resembling Juarez.

The desert is a beautiful place, desolate and full of false promises and yet come and see like I did this place, on Juarez, and don't tell me why you don't understand why a 12-year old boy risked his life to cross the desert, he knew El Paso, he had been watching the city his whole life. 

Today I was able to experience something QUITE wonderful, all praise and thanks to God! I gathered with a group of students from St. Joe's University to talk right across the fence, to ask about and listen to the immigration dilema. I shared my story, which in Juarez was coming to its end. I heard others, who in God's great Mercy and Love had traveled much longer and painful journeys. I saw the desert, and saw border patrol too, right across the fence, worried about me, about us, worrying that the U.S. was threatened by a few older women and a young woman. I saw my friend after nearly two years, but the fence impeded me from hugging her, the best we could do was pass our fingers through the fence and touch, even if barely. I heard students wishing me luck, desiring to show me New York when I return, excited to consider St. Joe's. It was touching, I felt unworthy to have that hope...most there did not. And so we prayed, in a circle, on the fence, touching hands, everyone still on their respective countries despite our inches in distance..... and I thank God DEEPLY for it!

The desert IS a beautiful place, in fact, I think it's the VERY first time I've been able to see one, but ever more beautiful was the experience that occurred there this Friday morning......

Oh The Weather Outside is... wonderful!

Oh the weather is... frightful? Nah, why you're in Mexico, sunshine ALL year long! :)

As the weeks pass I can hardly believe in almost 10 days little Ms. Gonzalez will be HERE!
I don't know how much she'll remember the few weeks she will be here in Guadalajara but I know for me, as her older sister, it will be significant enough. She was a toddler when she left this city and now she is a big teenager visiting the place of her birth for the first time again! It's insane that her 10-year old cousin and her will finally meet for the first time!

A couple of months before leaving Mexico, little Ms. Gonzalez enjoys an uncle's family ranch and its animals :) 

And yet I realize that for some reason this is the life God has given me, the unique aspect of being "home" in two homes, of (God-willing) having the freedom to travel back and forth in these two unique beautiful places. I AM so blessed with this, or will be at least!

However I don't forget that really, this is a small victory, my brother will still be in another country because of details in the immigration law, my mom still has a longer wait and there's the reality that UNdesired immigration is still present and pushing Mexico. I believe that roughly 1 out of every 10 Mexican citizens are in the U.S. most as illegal immigrants, most having suffered through an awful ordeal of poverty. Minimum wage here continues to be 50 US cents the hour and I know full well food prices are about the same in both countries. It's a beautiful place, with a beautifully deep inequality and much too well defined socio-economic groups.

Art thrives in this theater built in 1866 in Guadalajara, still VERY much in use to promote the arts in the city

The gorgeous hills in Veracruz

Slums in Guadajara

C'est Fini

It's finished, se ha terminado....

Alas I find myself writing for a bit here again, with the most arduous desire to re-take this habit and I think indeed with the opportunity to do so!

The past two weeks or so have been a blur, I am not certain where one started or ended, and what content there was in the middle of them! It's suddenly early in December 8th and I find myself with the sweetness of a few weeks where there is so little planned and with a semester at the threshold of its completion. I normally dread these occasions, I am reminded of 4 months about a year and a half ago where time was painful, where it much too slowly and painfully layered into depression, loneliness and frustration. However I know the circumstance are quite different but I still find myself a bit antsy about planning errands, helping, doing, feeling a day has had some purpose to it. If anything (once this flu is over) I hope to spend a few days a week with the gorgeous children at the home. I still stand in awe of them, in their simplicity, in their extraordinary way of just living and being present to those who visit and care for them. They simply do it, they don't plan how or why they do it, they simply do. They live. They tell you what they need with a great faith that their need will be responded and then express gratitude in their authenticity of their personhood. They ask to be loved, and they love you by being fully themselves. I can't possibly ask for anything else... with them or anyone else really.

Regardless, God is so good, indeed He is! In about a month I'll be packing a few things to fly (or maybe drive?) to the Mexican border city of Cuidad Juarez (right next to El Paso, TX) known as El Paso al Norte (the gateway north.. slight change from St. Louis gateway to the West nickname) according to a quick search in wikipedia. For about a week little Ms. Gonzalez and I will go through the various requirements (ranging from medical examinations, fingerprinting, lots of paperwork and a final interview with U.S. official) required by law to see a place a year ago I wasn't certain at all when I'd see. Things really will change after that, and I anticipate the date more than anything! It's been over 10 years of a process where at any point it could end and break (and many many times I saw its end so close for various circumstances) so yes, I am pinching myself again and again to see if it's actually happening...

Regardless, indeed MORE to come!

Photo Credit: Lianette Papaterra, dear friend from St. Louis who took this picture in El Paso about a year ago. The right shows you Cuidad Juarez, city that awaits this pilgrim soon enough!