Fears

“If you want to identify me, ask me not where I live, or what I like to eat, or how I comb my hair, but ask me what I am living for, in detail, ask me what I think is keeping me from living fully for the thing I want to live for.”- Thomas Merton


I have been a great fan of Merton for years now. I have read a book of his and his autobiography sits enticingly in my bookshelf in my room (as many other other wonderful books, many are gifts from dear folks! Mm.. maybe blog worthy for later). These past few days a few long term fears (and not so long terms fears) have been presented and even now I sit and wonder without many answers. Partly due to the busy-ness of the week, and long long journeys by bus to school (car broke down), limiting how much or how attentive I have been during prayer.

I could ramble on and on about the specifics but whoever, if there there is indeed audience, wouldn't want to read about that! In summary, in short-term plans I am fear of not seeing my family this Christmas. I am fearful I won't get to speak to a few people (in person) that I have been longing to do for months back. And then, in summary, I am fearful perhaps in all of it I still find a big part of my heart in a place that's so far away and the simple thought I won't get to at least touch/feel/kiss this part of my "heart", even if only for a short visit,brings such pain.

I also fear what this quote is demanding, mainly because I am not entirely certain on what the specifics (or even the basic outline) of what "fully" living would be in the future. What am I living for? How will this be manifested in the future? Surely, I am certain I am living to become Love, and to be best loved by the Beloved and to bring others to that. But this is close a parallel in saying organic molecules have carbon. It doesn't much tell you anything except they're organic and viable to become life. They could be a lipid or a nucleic acid for all I know, extremely different in their purpose and structure but all have carbon. Anyhow, for now, I hope you invisible readers can perhaps find a bit more to the quote than a definition of Organic Chemistry. Until Soon!

Peace of Christ,